The Chronicle

The Beginning.

In which Catan is played, a sticky note is left, and a kiss occurs the morning after.

Ariel and Elia went to OpenL to pick up Hershel. Drunk Settlers ensued, with Gabe and Ariel. Ariel attempted to cockblock and, ultimately, failed. The newly-acquainted pair then walked Ariel home — while, simultaneously, dumpster-diving — and left a sticky note on Arik’s door, an act which would prove to be the foundational text of most subsequent jokes.

On the balcony their hands touched. Hershel maintains, on the record, that this was on account of the cold. He then sat at the wrong end of the bed, which is why Elia suggested they play BananaGrams.

Eventually they fell asleep, and then they woke up, and they kissed.

First Public Hand-Hold & Other Firsts.

Recorded at a Tel Aviv bus stop. The day continued in escalating fashion.

Elia went to Tel Aviv. At the bus stop, hands were touched in public for the first time. Later: grocery shopping, intent to cook for Shabbat, abandoned. Jackbox with Hershel’s friends was played in its place; Elia won Quiplash.

That night was, by all subsequent admissions, intense. Hershel received his first hickey ever. Elia gave her first hickey ever. The development is on file.

The Marina.

No map. Steak at ₪169 a person. A FaceTime placed mid-meal. Two arms looped.

Elia drove to Kfar Saba and then picked up Hershel. They drove to the Marina. They did not use a map. They kissed in the car en route.

They had steak — ₪169 each, on the record — and FaceTimed Ariel and Abie from the restaurant. Walking back to the dorm afterwards, Elia and Hershel looped arms.

Hershel fell in love. Then he fell in love again.

The Day of the Driver.

Plus: Hasselback Drunken Salami, the conclusion of Barbie, and a debate on unconditional love.

They spent the entire day together. Early in the morning they went outside, on purpose, to avoid throwing out the table. They went to the grocery store holding hands. The driver told them only love will win.

Elia attended a Zoom class while Hershel produced Hasselback Drunken Salami and burned rice. They finished Barbie (in the end she had a vagina). Meital, for reasons unknown, forced Hershel to host a Shabbat meal which she also intended to host. They made chicken soup. Elia had a debate about unconditional love.

They turned off the lights and fell asleep in complete darkness.

Stared At By All Present.

A second vacuum is recovered from a dumpster. Harry asks if they are cousins.

They arrived late to OpenL together — in the middle of Gabe’s shiur, no less — and were stared at by everyone in attendance. Despite this, there was not enough food left for them. Hershel was making it obvious. Elia, separately, touched Hershel in front of Rav Shmuel. Harry asked Hershel if he and Elia were cousins. Talia asked the same question of both of them at once.

Later, after Kevin asked which direction they were headed, they went dumpster-diving. Hershel found another vacuum. Wow.

Going Public, Dairy Edition.

Hershel attends Liviah's return meal under protest. Has, in the end, an amazing time.

On-time Shul attendance, which was, by all accounts, suspicious. Afterwards, Elia hung around — not speaking to Hershel — until announcing she was leaving for her meal. Hershel highkey did not want to go. Elia made him feel bad about it. Hershel went and, on the record, had an amazing time.

Elia’s meal was a dairy affair for Liviah’s return, full of people Hershel did not know, plus Elia’s friends, whom he liked. Card games were played. They essentially went public, as Liviah then told all her friends, and consequently the entire male contingent — including Ben — became aware of the matter.

After Shabbat ended they walked Ariel home. Elia did not intend to stay at the dorms but fell asleep with her clothes on while Hershel watched Doctor Who.

Hershel Holds a Baby; Makes a Statement.

A 300-piece puzzle is also completed. Fuzzy socks are issued.

They hung out at Hershel’s until an hour and a half before Shabbat. Elia returned to pick Hershel up before Shul. They did not, in the end, attend Shul. They stood outside it. They were, however, standing next to each other (woah).

Hershel later held Rav Shmuel’s baby and — in the presence of Rav Noam — essentially declared that he and Elia should have kids together. They proceeded to Tamar’s place, where Ari Popper inexplicably joined. They were issued fuzzy socks and blankets, drank water out of kids’ cups, and built a 300-piece puzzle. They then walked back, agreeing Hershel would not sleep at Elia’s.

The Candle Lighting Heard 'Round The Campus.

Touched in public. Photographed in accidentally matching blue. Charcuterie consumed.

Hershel pulled an all-nighter playing guitar with Netta. After class, Elia met him; she was dead tired, but they hung out the entire day regardless. Burgers and fries were made, which lowkey slapped. A nap was taken together.

Elia placed boomer phone calls to FedEx. They attended RRIS candle lighting on campus, where everyone saw them touching each other — thereby, on the public record, announcing the relationship to the world. They took a photo with Rav Noam and Shiffy in accidentally matching blue.

Back at the dorm, they watched Rick and Morty and ate Hershel’s charcuterie board. Elia did not intend to sleep over, fell asleep with her shoes on, and left at 4 AM.

Scooter Acquired; Admin Office Breached.

Bayit Cham, broken video games, a steak weighing 800 grams.

Hershel ditched orientation (and Liviah) and surprised Elia in Tel Aviv after therapy. They walked around Sarona market and the Asian store, then played a broken video game with a random kid. They went into Whiskey Bar — but not before running into Tal, who really did not want to be in that conversation, nor did Elia.

Hershel ran to mincha. An 800-gram steak was consumed. Hershel acquired a scooter. They rode through the park from the train station, which was lowkey the best thing in the world despite the fact they almost died.

They went to campus and, with the help of the security guard, broke into the dorm administration office to retrieve Elia’s Hanukkah gift. Gifts were exchanged. They proceeded to the grocery store, then Charles’s apartment for Noah’s birthday BBQ, then Kevin’s for the Bayit Cham JLIC thing. At Melanie and Rotem’s, Elia accidentally told Meital, who, contrary to assumption, did not know.

Carrying the groceries the entire time.

Jerusalem, Where The Heroes Were Not Treated As Such.

Six members of Hershel's family. One literal fire. One sixty-minute wait. Zero thank-yous.

Elia submitted all her assignments. She was hella stressed. They were headed to Jerusalem together. She told Hershel not to come to her apartment; he showed up anyway with his scooter; they walked back to campus to take the train. They refrained from PDA, as they did not want anyone to want to kill themselves.

The meal in Jerusalem brought Elia face-to-face with the full party: Dad, brother, cousin, cousin, friend, brother’s girlfriend. Elia was apparently quiet, on the grounds that she did not know what to do. Shana was judging Hershel while claiming, in writing, not to be.

After dinner, Hershel’s dad wanted Hershel to join him in Mea Shearim. Hershel wanted to hang out with Elia. In hindsight, no one is sure why those two things had to contradict.

They walked through Ben Yehuda. Elia gave a tour of all the places where she ____. On the way back to the train, they encountered a literal fire emerging from a dumpster. They called the fire department. They waited. While waiting, everyone who passed asked them what was happening and, by tone, implied they had started it.

When the fire department arrived an hour later, Hershel and Elia were not treated like the heroes they deserved to be.

They used the bathroom-synagogue in the train station. They fell asleep on the train back to Herzliya.

Ravioli at 2 AM.

Sofia is informed. Jonathan, separately, calls and shames. Percy Jackson begins.

Elia and Hershel woke up early and went to campus, where they saw Elia’s classmate Sofia. Elia told Sofia that Hershel was her boyfriend. They later ran into Ben and Maya outside the library and were forced into a long conversation. At the dorm, Elia decided she wanted to go back to her apartment; they SPLIT for the first time. Elia drove to Kfar Saba.

Hershel finished his assignments. They were then late to OpenL, but no one was there, so they had unprecedented quantities of pizza. They studied for, perhaps, five seconds.

They walked to Sokolov for an Olami BBQ — wrong address — and on the return ran into Arik, then Mendy, Kevin, and Arussy. They hung out in the park and climbed that thing. Jonathan called and shamed them, informing Hershel that Elia isn’t funny. Charles and Tal called next; they saw Jacob in the background and proceeded to Eitan and Avrumy’s to beat him up.

Hershel and Elia drove to AM:PM, bought ingredients, returned home, and made ravioli at 2 AM while watching the first episode of Percy Jackson.

Bonanza, & The Accidental "Love."

Hershel called Elia "love." It was, on the record, an accident.

They did not wake up on time for Shul. They got ready slowly. Thinking they had missed Kiddush, Elia made it herself. They had not, in fact, missed Kiddush.

At Shul they saw Eric, who went into Gaza. Charles asked Hershel how he asked Elia out. Aaron — hashgacha pratit, for him — was also there, which meant no hand-holding.

At Mendy’s, they sat separately-together at the meal. Elia fell asleep on the chair. Hershel put dessert in front of her. She did not eat it. They played Bonanza and helped each other score.

Hershel called Elia "love." It was, on the record, by accident.

Ariel then revealed to the entire room that Elia and Hershel sleep in the same bed and are not shomer. After Shabbat, Arussy drove four people in the backseat — lowkey the most fun ever. Back at Elia’s they hooked up briefly until Elia had to tutor and rushed Hershel out, citing Arik’s earlier advice. Hershel disappeared for the rest of the night. He was, it turns out, sleeping.